Deadpool: Hunt for the McGuffin
by Blaze X
Summary: I guess you want to know what the story's about or something? Okay it's about yours truly: Deadpool, and I'm hired to steal a thing from some guys that I kill some people, and there might be some romance, a bit of mystery, and of course chimichangas. Can't have a me story without chimichangas.
1. It Begins

In a world where Canadians are running morally questionable government sanctioned human experimentation (Seriously Canada is doing this, CANADA) a hero will arise (Okay not really a hero more like a morally ambiguous mercenary) to do something and um...What was the point in this?

/To introduce yourself

Oh right. Let's try that again. Um...what's a better way to do this?

ooh pick me!

You

you could do it like a fairy tale

Why not? What could go wrong?

/Did he just ask that?

yeah that was a stupid mistake

 _Once upon a time, in the Great White North, one Kanuck, whose name is known only by himself… and his enemies… and his family... and a gaggle of chicks in Montreal_ /a lot of people know our identity/ _,_ Shh! I'm listening! _sallied forth on his trusty burro Panza to right wrongs and earn monetary funds for his other habits._

/Good intro, but what's this about exactly?

Oh you, know the usual.

Us kicking ass and taking names?

Bingo!

Yay! It's been weeks since the last job.

/What is our current job anyway?

That's an excellent question.

Club some seals for a fur coat for Iggy Azalea?

That can wait. Today we go to Switzerland.

I'll get our the skis!

 _And so did the Magnificent Kanuck, by means of connections, traverse the windy heights of the heavens inside the belly of a 747 to Geneva, home of the U.N. and Calvinists. He met with strange fellows in dark alleys under pale moonlight to receive from them the first half of his payment. The rest would be given as a percentage after the task was accomplished. Later that very same night, as the moon hid her face, the Kanuck approached the Generic Swiss Bank in the silence of the grave._

 _Our brave hero entered the building knowing that is where his quarry lie. Unfortunately the Kanuck was not known for his great stealth,_ /Wearing bright red will do that./ _and so he was seen entering despite his best efforts to remain hidden in the shadows ._ We blew a hole in the place /Right next to the door to/ _His enemies approached with guns in hand firing many a bullet at him, but the Kanuck was prepared for this inevitable outcome. He unsheathed both his katana and with both beauty and grace deflected his enemies' many bullets and it was awesome._

 _After killing his many foes the Kanuck made his way over to the vault. It was sealed shut, and because he used all his C4 on the wall for what was the most amazing of entrances, the vault had to be opened the old fashioned way. "You there. Not dead guy. Do you know the combination to this thing?" Our hero asked the one man in the bank he didn't kill._

 _The man could barely move for he had bullet wounds in his legs. "I'm just a guard." He admitted._

Well he's useless.

/Why is he still alive? _/_

" _Good question. Let me fix that problem." It was then that the Kanuck fixed the problem. He turned attention back to his real problem, the locked vault, his mortal enemy. He checked his many a pouch for a possible solution. "Hey, look I actually packed something for this!" From the depths of one of his pouches he retrieved a device that could crack the electronic lock._

 _/_ Did you steal that from Weasel? _/_

" _I prefer the term borrowed." The Magnificent Kanuck connected his mighty devise to the daunting lock and let it do its thing. With the lock now cracked, the door swung open with much fanfare. "Bingo! We're in! Now let's see where is safety deposit box number 9891?"_

" _Try looking to your left."_

" _Oh yeah thanks." The Kanuck, at the suggestion of the mysterious voice, looked to his left. "Wait you're not a voice in my head." Our hero turned around to see that the decidedly not a voice in his head was a tall, muscular woman wearing all black including a mask with red lenses that hid her eyes. She had short messy black hair, that despite some of going in her face, did nothing to hide the smug look she had on her face. "Holy Femme Fatale Batman."_

" _Interesting reaction." She walked over to safety deposit box 9891. "So how exactly were you planning to open the box?"_

" _I was going to use my lock pick." The Kanuck pointed his .45 caliber lock pick at the box. "Observe." He demonstrated his amazing lock picking skills and opened the box revealing the McGuffin Diamond inside._

" _That's what that thing looks like?" The Femme Fatale had a look of clear disgust on her face when looking at the inappropriately shaped McGuffin._

" _Yeah I'm just going to put that in this bag labeled censored."_

/Really no one is going to mention it?/

That the diamond is shaped like a-

/Not that. I meant the fact that this woman is obviously after the diamond too./

" _You bring up a good point, but come on I'm me. There is no way anyone could steal it from me."_

 _The Kanuck was suddenly taken by surprise when his had that was holding the diamond was pinned to the wall with a knife his new enemy had hidden before this very moment. The Femme Fatale pocketed the diamond and ran off post haste. Our hero removed the knife from his hand then chased after the mysterious woman, but she had disappeared into the night._

" _So...now what?"_

Cry ourselves to sleep?

/That's a bit of an overreaction./

" _Yeah, plus this isn't actually over."_

It isn't?

" _Yep. I put a tracker in the bag with the McGuffin."_

/When was this?/

" _When you two weren't looking."_

 _And with these last words spoken our hero tenaciously went after his foe. The tracker led him to the top of a nearby building where a helicopter had just taken off with the Femme Fatale inside. Looking at the tracker once more the Kanuck realized it said the McGuffin was still here. He looked around and found the small device with a small note attached._

" _Nice to see you're still alive, Wilson."_

She knows who we are?

/Apparently/

How?

/Who knows./

Think we know each other when we were beavers in a past life.

/Then she would've known us as our beaver name/

We had our lesbian experience in college with her then.

/I can't even begin to explain what's wrong with that sentence/

Someone's being quiet. Care to contribute to the conversation buddy?

" _Oh yeah sorry. I was just thinking."_

/That's never good/

" _Just hear me out okay. I think she knew me when I was diagnosed with cancer."_

/What makes you so sure?/

" _She thought I was dead before now, plus the fact that I don't remember her."_

What are you going to do with this shocking development?

" _Probably just go home, eat a burrito, let Weasel out of the Box, then maybe watch some cartoons until I fall asleep."_


	2. The Second One

Weasel, the best friend and roommate of our mighty hero, was woken up at three in the morning when Deadpool got home. "Wade, why were you out so late?"

"Remember how I told you I refused to let someone from my past randomly showing up bother me?"

"Um..yeah that was a week ago and doesn't explain anything."

"Well…wait somethings not right here. Why isn't everything italicized like the last chapter?"

" _What does that even mean?"_

" _Oh never mind it just got fixed. As I was saying, it starting bothering me, so I went on a soul searching walk in the middle of the night, and bought this white board."_

" _I'm going back to bed."_

" _Wait Weasel, you have to help me."_

" _I'll help you in the morning."_

" _It is morning."_

" _I'll help you at a sane time then." Weasel went back to his room to sleep. Later at a saner time he awoke to Deadpool had bought another white board while he was sleeping, and he had written out several names on one of them. On the other he wrote out everything he knew about the Femme Fatale from a week ago. "What's all this?" Weasel asked._

" _This list of names is all the people I remember from before Weapon X. One of them had to be that chick that knew me. The problem, and this is where you come in, is that my memory being as messed up as it is, not all of these people actually exist."_

" _So you need me to help you figure out who's real and who isn't?"_

" _The voices have been no help, so yes."_

Hey, we've totally been helpful

/I told you erase all the males from the board/

" _Yes, and I appreciate that, but what else have you done?"_

/um.../

Nothing really

" _That's what I thought."_

 _Weasel was now sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. "Stop talking to yourself and tell what you remember about the first person on the board."_

" _Victoria Nightingale, she was my girlfriend in college. We met when-"_

" _I'm going to stop you right there Wade, you never went to college."_

" _I didn't?"_

" _You joined the army when you were eighteen."_

" _How do you know this?" He pointed his gun at Weasel._

" _You told me."_

" _Oh right." He put the gun away. "Wait how do I know I can trust me?" He now pointed the gun at his own head._

" _Why did I agree to this?" Weasel mumbled. "I've seen your army record; that actually happened."_

" _Oh okay." Deadpool dropped his gun in the candy bowl. "Let's see who's next on the list? Oh the lovely Veronica Jones, I miss her, she made feel special in a way no woman could."_

" _Who was she?"_

" _My elderly neighbor. I mowed her lawn, and she gave me candy. It was great."_

" _She's probably dead now."_

" _Veronica, nooooooooooo"_

/You should have seen that coming./

Rest in peace Veronica

" _I'm going to need more coffee to get through this." Weasel got up to get himself more coffee. "Look Deadpool, not that this isn't fun or anything, but I have things to do today."_

" _What!? what could possibly be more important than helping me?"_

" _I have a job, a legal job. And I need to get to it, so I'm not fired."_

" _That's not any fun. Fine go to your job, but we're picking up where we left off when you get back."_

" _Yeah whatever." Weasel left before Deadpool could change his mind._

 _By the time Weasel got home Deadpool was gone, he left a note though. "Meet me at the strip club down the street." Weasel decided to head over there right away. It was ladies night at the strip club, and it annoyed Weasel that Deadpool didn't mention this. "Why would you be here if it's ladies night?" He asked while sitting next to Deadpool._

" _I'm an equal opportunity lover."_

" _Why did you tell me to come?"_

" _A few reasons. First I want to pick up where we left off before. Second I want you to put this bill in this fine gentleman's banana hammock."_

" _Why don't you do it?"_

" _Then people will start talking. I have a reputation you know."_

" _Can we just...get back to your mystery woman?"_

" _Aw you're no fun." Deadpool pulled out a notebook where he wrote everything from the whiteboards. "Let's see who's next on the list? Ooh, Ms. Hannah! She was my hot piano teacher."_

" _Do you even play piano?"_

" _No, so I guess she gets crossed off the list."_

" _Why don't you just skip to women who actually look like the chick from last week."_

" _Fine." He crossed several names off the list. "Okay that leaves Angela Smith, Victoria Merryweather, Kira Strande, and T'rea."_

" _What kind of name is T'rea?"_

" _She's an alien."_

" _Okay she's definitely not real."_

" _What we had was special!" Deadpool crossed her name off anyway. "Hey look over there some guy dressed like Alan Scott just came in!"_

" _Wade! try to control you ADD. Also, why is he dressed up?"_

" _There's a comic con going on near here. I wonder if they showed my movie trailer?"_

" _You don't have a movie. Now can we please focus."_

" _Which of these lovely ladies would you like me to tell you about first?"_

" _Just pick one."_

" _Victoria it is then. As you can tell I really have a thing for girls whose name starts with V, which I think V for Vendetta is about."_

/That's not what it's about./

What if met a girl whose name was Vendetta?

/As a code name or actual name?/

Either one.

/Well that'd be pretty hot./

" _Would you two shut up, I'm trying to tell a story. Anyways she was a cheerleader at my high school. She was also my only competition for my first crush, Mark something or other. I don't actually remember his last name."_

" _Do you think she would become a merc?" Weasel asked._

" _Don't know. Maybe. Speaking of mercs check this guy out." Deadpool was pointing to a stripper wearing an outfit that partially resembled his own. "I like this guy. Papa's gonna make it rain now." Deadpool threw all the ones he had on him in the air showering the stripper._

" _What about these other two?" Weasel tried to get Deadpool tp focus again._

" _Right Angela and Kira. Kira was like the sister I never wanted, but she could be pretty cool sometimes. She gave me my first pair of katana. As for Angela, well she was a waitress at a diner I frequented. She was the first person I told I was terminal."_

" _Wow... you must have been close to both of them."_

" _Yep, which is why neither of them can be the merc I ran into. They wouldn't take my job like that. It has to be Victoria, she hated me."_

" _I'll look her up, see if I find anything." Weasel knew Deadpool's logic wasn't very sound, but he was going to look up Victoria anyway, and while he's at it he's going to check out the other two. He got up ready to leave._

" _Oh no you don't." Deadpool grabbed him and made him sit back down. "The reason I'm here is about to go up on stage." A stripper dressed like Hal Jordan came up on stage. "Now I'm going to make it hail."_

" _Oh no..."_

 _Deadpool opened all his pouches revealing they were full of pennies. He got up on stage and dumped them all on the stripper. "Suck it, Hal! I've got my own movie now! Your plan to steal Ryan Reynolds from me failed!" Deadpool was quickly thrown out by the bouncers._

" _Was that really necessary?" Weasel after following Deadpool outside._

" _Yes. He had to know my feelings." They heard police sirens approaching. "They called the cops on me? Unbelievable." He took his mask off and put it on Weasel. "Hold this for me will you."_

 _Before Weasel could question that the cops arrived and Deadpool was long gone. They arrested Weasel mistaking him for Deadpool._


	3. Trifecta

_It didn't take the coppers long to figure out that Weasel was not in fact the Magnificent Deadpool. I'm actually kind of shocked that they didn't figure it out right away. I mean come on it's me._ /Try to keep the story in third person./ _This is my fanfiction I will write it how I want_. /You should try to keep it consistent./ _But I'm not very good with consistency._ Hey even I know it's easier to read that way. _Fine. Let me start again._

 _The Mighty Deadpool was distraught upon learning his friend would be going to jail despite the fact that the case of mistaken identity only lasted shortly. Turns out being a hacker is illegal. Also turns out SHEILD really hates being hacked because Weasel was locked up in one of the most secure prisons known to man._

No he's not. The most secure prison is the Raft and Weasel isn't high profile enough to go there

/They locked him up in a normal federal prison. How did you forget this?

I was trying to sound dramatic, thankyou. Besides most people don't know about the Raft so my statement still stands.

 _So now it was up to Deadpool to rescue his (best?) friend. But first he needed to find out the where he was sent. "Research is usually Weasel's thing. How am I supposed to do it?"_

Simple. Find a SHIELD agent and ask them where it is.

/Or you could get yourself arrested then break yourself and Weasel out./

" _Ooh I like that plan. Let's do that."_

" _And that's how I ended up here." Deadpool explained._

" _You skipped some parts of the story, Wade. Also you realize this isn't the Vault, right?"_

" _Of course I realize that. They thought I was a mutant and sent me here."_

" _Did you tell them you're not a mutant?"_

" _Of course I didn't! Do you know how long I've been trying to get recognized as a mutant?"_

" _Ever since Weapon X gave you the runt's healing factor."_

" _Exactly! So that's my story why are you here? I mean I know you've done a lot to deserve it, but you tend to not get caught."_

" _I'm here because I want to be here." Sabretooth answered. "Or at least I did until they gave me you as a cellmate."_

" _Oh don't be like that, buddy. So, why do you want to be here? Wait don't tell me I want to guess. Some guy in here pissed you off and the only way to get even is to kill him in here? Am I right I'm right aren't I?"_

" _No, but you're close. I'm here to kill someone, because I was hired to do it."_

" _Obviously someone in authority hire you, or that collar on you would be doing it's job. So tell me who's the lucky guy you're killing?"_

" _Not a guy. I'm going to kill the prison's doctor."_

" _And what did she do to deserve that fate?"_

" _Don't know; don't care. Now shut up so I can sleep."_

" _Alright fine though you should know there's a good chance I talk in my sleep. I don't know. Never had a roommate before now. Hey if I say anything really interesting you'll let me know right?"_

/What are you doing?/

I think he wants Sabretooth to kill us.

" _Wait how can you tell me what I'm saying if you're also asleep. Oh I know why don't you stay up, so you can tell me what I talk about in my sleep, and I'll do the same for you tomorrow."_

/While wanting to die is nothing new. He does realize not even Sabretooth can make it permanent right?/

Well we are wearing this collar that suppresses our healing.

" _Of course you probably don't talk in your sleep, so that wouldn't very fair. Is there anything I can do for you that would make us even?"_

/But as soon as the collar comes off we'll just heal./

Not before having to visit the doctor.

/Oh I see where this is going now./

" _Then again I've done a few things for you in the past already, so you should do this for me without exp-"_

 _Deadpool was cut off from his incessant ranting by sudden death caused by claws to the heart. Next thing he knew he was in a small room with nothing but a table with a tea set and three chairs in it. Death was already in one of the chairs. "Hello Wade."_

" _Hey babe. Who's the third chair for?"_

" _An old friend of yours."_

 _Deadpool sat down in one of the chairs and poured himself some tea. "When are they getting here? Because as you know I'm not going to be staying very long, and I might miss them."_

" _You won't. She'll be here shortly."_

 _An older woman appeared and sat down in the vacant chair. "Hey Wade, it's been awhile."_

" _I'm sorry who are you?"_

 _The woman changed to a younger appearance with long curly black hair. "Does this help."_

" _Angela. What happened to you?"_

" _Car crash a few months ago. My son was driving, he's probably blaming himself."_

" _That's a bummer. Why are you here though? Talking to me I mean."_

" _After you told me you were terminal, you just disappeared. I didn't know what happened to you. Now I can finally have closure on that, even if I had to die first."_

" _Oh yeah I did something insane just so I could live. Now all I want is to die. Pretty ironic when you think about it."_

" _Guess I won't be seeing you again. Goodbye." She stood up and left through a black door that wasn't there before._

" _Couldn't someone from the other side have told her what happened?" Deadpool asked. He didn't want know someone he was once close to was dead._

" _Sometimes it helps for lost souls to see someone they know."_

" _She was a lost soul?"_

" _No."_

 _The room started to fade away, and Deadpool woke up in a hospital bed with a blonde doctor looking at him. "Good to see you're awake."_

 _Deadpool looked around and found the clock. He was out for a few hours. He had no idea when Sabretooth was going to come for the doctor, so he had to make sure he was kept here until then. The doctor started checking all of his vitals._

" _When they told me you were a fast healer I didn't think they meant this fast."_

" _I do a lot of things fast."_

I can't believe you just said that.

" _Wait that's not what I meant."_

 _She was looking at his chart. "I did a few tests while you were out, and the results were disconcerting."_

Did she just completely ignore what you said?

/I think she's about to tell us we have cancer./

" _Let me guess, Doc. I have the big C word."_

" _You have cancer, yes. How did you know?"_

" _That's ol-"_

/Wait we need to stay in here./

" _You were about to give me bad news so I assumed that meant cancer."_

" _Cancer isn't the only thing that would be bad news. You shouldn't just assume." She was clearly upset by this. "Look from what I can tell your healing factor has kept you alive despite the cancer being stage four."_

" _Explains why I haven't noticed anything."_

" _It might be possible to treat you, but I'd have to run a few more tests to be sure. Do you mind staying in here overnight while I do them?"_

" _No not at all. My roommate is kind of insane."_

Hypocrite

" _Mr. Creed should be moved to solitary confinement, so you won't have to worry about that."_

" _Yeah something tells me that's not happening."_

" _Why not?"_

" _Well, hypothetically speaking, can you think of a reason why someone might want you dead?"_

 _There was a long pause before she spoke. "Yes." She answered. It wasn't until a few more moments that she elaborated. "The warden is corrupt. I didn't realize it at first, but it's become clear that he is. I've been collecting evidence to prove it, and I guess he found out about that and now wants me silenced."_

/The reasoning is a bit flimsy./

This is just an excuse plot to fight Sabretooth, so who cares.

" _I think the warden hired Creed to do the job."_

" _What can you do about it?"_

" _Simple I'm the best there is at what I do, I what I do is protect damsels from psycho killers."_

I think you butchered that line.

/You also stole it from Wolverine./

We already stole someone from his rogues gallery so who cares.

" _Not just anyone to, we took his nemesis."_

" _What are you talking about?"_

" _Sorry, I talk to myself sometimes. No big deal."_

" _Riiiiight. Look even if there is as you put it a psycho killer after me, I would still like to do those tests, so I'm going to get a blood sample from you." The Doctor pulled out a syringe to draw Deadpool's blood._

 _Deadpool immediately freaked out. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah. I hate needles. There's got to be another way Doc. Don't do this to me."_


	4. The Great Escape

_Deadpool had fallen asleep an hour after the doctor took some of his blood. He woke up later when he heard her talking on the phone with someone. He pretended to still be asleep, so he could listen to what she was saying._

" _Two mutants with healing factors are here."_

" _Yes I have blood samples."_

" _I'll bring them over as soon as I can"_

 _She hung up the phone after that. Our magnificent hero could no longer sleep after this, for he was too busy pondering the implications of his dear doctor sending his blood elsewhere. That and once something wakes him up he can get back to sleep. It was a curse he had to bare every day._

 _The Doctor left the room, so Deadpool got up and went into her office. He walked behind her desk to take a look in the drawers when he happened upon the most amazing of pictures. In a frame on the doctor's was desk was a picture of her in a Chun Li cosplay. "Hello~" Our mighty hero stole- I mean, "borrowed" the picture from its frame and kept it for himself. "You and I are going to have some fun later."_

/Focus Wade/

Hey we deserve to have some fun

" _Fun later. Did you not hear the later part?" Deadpool started focusing again on the task at hand. He tried to open one of the drawers, but it was locked. Our hero knew not what to do with his trusty lock pick missing. "Open damn you." So he tried just forcing it open, to no avail. "I give up. On everything. Including life."_

Again?

/We all know that's not going to work out./

" _Can't you let me dream?"_

 _The Mighty Kanuck with great haste left the office for it had become clear that he would find no real answers about what was going on in there. He decided he would seek answers elsewhere. The doctor said it was the warden who probably hired Sabretooth, so that's where he would look for answers next. He walked out into the hallway to make his way over to the warden's office. But before he could go anywhere he was caught by the doctor._

" _Where are you going?" She asked._

" _Well the best way to protect you would be to eliminate the threat, so I was going to go do that. No one would miss the warden anyway right?"_

" _I doubt anyone would, but are you sure that would get Creed to leave me alone?"_

" _Well on the one hand with the warden dead, Sabretooth wouldn't get paid. One the other he really likes killing people, so there's no guarantee that would make you safe."_

 _She thought about this for a second. "I'll go with you."_

" _Aw that's sweet babe, but I don't need your help."_

" _It's not for you. It's just in case Creed decides to go after me now. Plus I can get you into the warden's office." She held up her security card._

" _You bring up some good points. And you have boobs. It's hard to say no to someone with boobs. Alright fine. Also I need you lead the way. I don't know where anything is."_

 _The doctor rolled her eyes and lead the way. There were a few automatic checkpoints they had to get passed, but it was easy because of the doctor's security card. They arrived at the office and Deadpool opened the door. "Um...you might want to stay out here. Things are about to get murdery."_

" _I'm going in with you."_

" _Alright fine, but don't blame me if you have nightmares." Our hero and his new love interest entered the room._

/You don't even know her name. You can't say she's your love interest./

" _I do know her name."_

Then what is it?

" _It's Hot Doctor Lady."_

" _You can't be serious. No one has that name. My name is-"_

" _I don't need to know what your name is. It is not important to my story."_

" _There is so much wrong with that sentence."_

 _As I was saying our hero along with his love interest, Hot Doctor Lady entered the room. Neither of them knew what horrors to expect from the lair of their enemy, but they knew no good could come from it. The warden was at his desk doing paper work. "Aaaa- wait this isn't scary. Yo warden you're supposed to be the bad guy."_

 _The warden looked up from what he was doing. "Doctor Lynn, what is this prisoner doing in my office?"_

" _He is here to right the wrongs you've caused." The doctor answered._

" _You're hot when you're saying cheesy lines of dialogue." He told the doctor then turned his focus back to his enemy. "But, yeah I'm here to kill you, so she will no longer be in danger."_

" _What are you talking about? I haven't put her in any danger." The warden politely told him._

" _Maybe not directly, but you hired some psycho to kill her. All because she wants to expose your corruption."_

 _The warden was genuinely confused by this. "I would never hire a mercenary, and don't you think that it would make more sense just to fire her if I was that corrupt."_

" _Um...I don't know what to say about that." The Merc with the Mouth was speechless. This was a lot to take in. From what he could tell the warden wasn't corrupt, and he did bring up some good points about how the doctor's story didn't make that much sense. "Well even if you aren't corrupt, someone still hired Sabretooth"_

" _Wow solving mysteries ain't exactly your forte is it Wilson?" Said a voice from the door. Our hero turned around to see who it was. It was (Pause for dramatic effect.) Sabretooth._

" _I haven't exactly had that much time okay. Cut me some slack. Also this." Deadpool leaped at his enemy and managed to kick him out of the door frame. He quickly slammed the door shut and locked it. "Help me barricade the door." Deadpool, with the help of the doctor and the warden pushed the warden's desk in front of the door. "I don't think that will hold him for long. He's freakishly strong and extremely persistent and I once saw him kick open a solid steel door and he's-"_

" _Would you shut up!?" The doctor yelled at him. "We need to figure out how to get out of here, and your constant talking isn't helping."_

" _I already have a plan to get out, but before I tell you I have to ask why'd you lie about why the hit was put on you?"_

" _I only told you what I thought was the most likely reason for it."_

" _Strike one. Two more and I feed you to the animal out there. You were sending blood samples of mutants to someone. Why?"_

" _It was only yours and Creed's. I thought if your healing factor was studied, it could be used to benefit medical science."_

" _You saw I had cancer. What would make you possibly think that?"_

" _Well you see...um…" The doctor was clearly struggling with an answer now. "It would be possible after some study and experimentation to alter the DNA enough so it would be a viable cure for cancer."_

" _Who else's blood did you have?"_

 _No answer._

" _Warden, do have any records of what it is she does in here?"_

" _No, but there have been rumors from the inmates that she had been doing experiments on them" The warden told him. "I didn't think much of it because they are all criminals, so they're not very trustworthy."_

 _Deadpool walked over to the door and pulled the desk away from it then opened the door. "She's all yours." He told Sabretooth then walked out of the room. He tried to ignore the scream coming from the doctor as he left. He pulled out the picture he took from her office and ripped up as well._

 _He had taken the doctor's security card on the way out and was using that to get out of the prison. First he stopped by the room where they kept stuff that was taken from prisoners when they got there and there he retrieved his costume. He had to fight his past a few after wards, but overall it was one of the easiest prisons he had ever broken out of._

 _Now that he was out he had a few things he needed to do. The first thing was bust Weasel out of prison. Then he needed to find Angela's kid and tell him it wasn't his fault. Then he needed to continue his quest to find the Femme Fatale. And finally he needed to submit an application to try and join the X-Men after all if the government thought he was a mutant surely the X-Men can no longer deny him of his dream._


	5. Quintessential Canadian Mercenary

_Deadpool had come up with the most epic of plans to bust his buddy out of prison. To get on the prison grounds he was going to have a plane fly over the prison, jump out, and land on the grounds then he was going to use the explosives he brought with him to blow up a wall. Afterwards he was going to find Weasel, fight his, and steal a car to get away._

/That's the most insane plan I've ever heard./

Insanely awesome!

" _I like that description"_

/Do you even have the resources to pull it off?/

" _I do not...alright new plan."_

 _Deadpool crumpled up the Taco Bell napkin he had written his plan on. The number for his order was called, so he got up to get it and threw the napkin away. He got his food then sat back down. He had ordered a seven layer burrito, a crunchwrap supreme, a soft taco, and a crunchy taco. He would have ordered a chimichanga, but Taco Bell does not yet sell chimichangas. One day his petition will get enough signatures, one day. Deadpool looked dramatically off into the distance._

 _-ring ring-_

 _Deadpool began eating his one of his tacos while he contemplated a new plan. -ring ring- Perhaps if he were to disguise himself as one of the guards. -ring ring- What the hell is that noise? Deadpool began searching his many pouches for the source of his interruption. "It's The Pool Phone!" He clicked ignore without seeing who was calling. After all he had more important things to do right now. Now where was he? -ring ring-_

" _Fine I'll answer." He now answered his phone. "Make this quick I'm in the middle of something."_

" _It's Weasel. Someone here just visited me and told me to give you a message."_

" _Well then let's hear it." He quickly calmed down._

" _He said he had a job for you. He also gave me an address to give you, so you can meet him there."_

" _You don't mind me putting off saving you to take this job do you?"_

" _We both know you would take the job no matter what I say."_

" _Good point! Give me the address." Deadpool wrote down the address Weasel gave him then hung up the phone. He quickly finished his meal then started heading toward the address that Weasel gave him._

 _He arrived at an old abandoned building. All there was inside was a table with a large envelope on it. Deadpool walked over to the table and opened the envelope. Inside it was all the details he would need to complete the job. Whoever it was that hired him, had recently hired another mercenary to steal something for them, but the mercenary decided to keep it for herself. What made this job really interesting though, was that what they had wanted stolen was the McGuffin Diamond meaning the merc they had hired was the Femme Fatale that had managed to outmatch him. The job was to steal the McGuffin back and if he managed to kill her in the process then he would get a bonus._

 _There was also any information they knew about her. It wasn't much just her name, her contact information, and her skillset. Her name was Black Tiger, which wasn't enough to find her. Her contact information was just a phone number; Weasel would be able to track that, so Deadpool was going to have to break him out before doing anything else. Her skillset was very useful, he now knew what she was capable of and wouldn't be taken by surprise again._

 _At the very bottom of the envelope was a small slip of paper with instructions on where to take the McGuffin, once he had it back, to receive his payment. It also gave him the amount that he would be paid. "Wow that's a lot of zeros. They must really want this thing."_

 _Deadpool left the building and went to go get Weasel out of prison, but first he had to stop at his storage unit to get the necessary supplies._

 _Deadpool ultimately decided to go with his first plan, and was currently in a small plane waiting for it to fly over the prison. He had threatened the pilot at a nearby airfield to fly him there. Once they were over the prison Deadpool opened the door and jumped out. He rolled when he hit the ground and let his healing factor take care of the damage that was caused by the fall._

 _The guards responded immediately to Deadpool landing on prison grounds. Deadpool responded to the guards with his guns, shooting them all down then grabbing one of their key cards to get inside. The key card could only get him so far once inside, so he used the explosives he brought with him to get himself further inside. He didn't pay attention to if anyone got hurt or killed in the explosions. None of them were Weasel, so he didn't care if they were hurt._

 _Deadpool found his best buddy in his cell. "Hey Weasel, I'm here to rescue you."_

 _Weasel got up from where he was sitting. "I'm all for being rescued, but did you have to blow everything up to do it?"_

" _Yes" Deadpool answered simply. "Now come on we need to get out of here."_

 _Weasel remained close to Deadpool as they made their way out. It didn't take long for them to get to the front gate and once there Deadpool hotwired a car to get away. Once they were in town Deadpool parked the car by a curb and got out. "You need to get changed, so you look less suspicious." He told Weasel before getting out._

 _Deadpool and Weasel walked a few blocks to the nearest clothing store. There they both changed into something less conspicuous then got on a bus to another city. "Where are we going?' Weasel asked Deadpool knowing they couldn't go back home._

" _The next town this bus stops in. Then we find a library, so you can use a computer and track down a phone number for me."_

" _You broke me out of prison just so you could find someone didn't you?"_

" _No. Maybe. Probably. Yes. Yes, that is in fact precisely the reason."_

" _That doesn't surprise me."_

 _A few hours later the bus arrived in a small town, Deadpool and Weasel got off and made their way to the library, and Weasel got on one of the computers. Due to how old the computer was it took him awhile to do even the simplest task on it. "There is no way I'm going to be able to track that number on this thing."_

" _So I broke you out of prison for no reason then?" Deadpool asked in a threatening tone._

" _No, I can narrow down where she lives based on the area code, which is better than nothing." Weasel went to a search engine and typed in the area code on the number then waited a few minutes for the page to load. "This is taking forever." The search result finally came up. "It's a Seattle area code."_

" _That place where Fifty Shades of Grey took place? Gross."_

" _That's what you connect Seattle with? Not the fact that it's where starbucks originated from? Or as the place where it rains all the time?"_

" _If Seattle wants me to associate it with anything else it needs to write better books about itself."_

" _I do agree that there should be better books that take place in Seattle, but shouldn't you be focusing on what our next move is?"_

" _I don't think my A.D.D. will allow focusing. Probably. That's my excuse anyway. I wonder if this library has a manga section." Deadpool walked off to seek the answer to his very pressing question. The answer was yes. "Now I can find out what the big deal is about Kuroshit...something." He had heard from the internet that it was very gay. He found what he was looking for and read through a bit of it. "This is not as gay as I thought it would be. How disappointing."_

 _He placed the manga back on the shelf where he found it then walked over to the where the American comic books were kept where he found a copy of New Mutants #98. "This brings back memories. Did I really look like that back then? I mean I know I was being drawn by Liefeld, but wow. Just wow." He placed the comic back on the shelf not wanting to relive that old shame._

 _Deadpool walked back over to where his best friend was. "Okay after browsing through several comic books of both American and Japanese origin I have figured out the most Amazing and Spectacular and Superior of plans."_

" _Okay what's this plan of your?" Weasel asked. He didn't believe for a second that it was as good as Deadpool said it was._

" _Step one: We go to Seattle. Step two: We get you a better computer. Step three: You pinpoint Black Tiger's exact location. Step four: I defeat her with the power of friendship. Great right?"_

 _Weasel could have pointed out the holes in Deadpool's plan, but he knew that would just make Deadpool mad which never ended well for Weasel, so he decided his best course of action would be to agree with Deadpool. "Yep that's a great plan alright. Nothing could possibly go wrong."_

" _Why do you hate me?"_

" _What?"_

" _You should know by now that whenever someone says 'Nothing could possibly go wrong?' everything goes wrong. Everything. I want you to think long and hard about what you just did to me."_

" _Oh no I might have just killed you. How terrible."_

" _You said that sarcastically. That's it our friendship is over!" Our hero dramatically stormed out of the library devastated that his supposed friend didn't really care about him. It hurt. It hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. How could Weasel do that to him? Especially after he broke him out of prison._

/In fairness the only reason you broke him out was because you needed him./

" _Hey do you mind? I'm trying to have a moment here."_

Yeah a terrible moment!

" _Oh you hate me too now?"_

Well I'm you, so what did you expect?

" _I don't need a voice in my head to remind of how much I hate myself, so it would be appreciated if you didn't bring that up again."_

/Okay we've gotten a bit off track there. You do realize we still need Weasel right?/

" _Yeah I know…" Deadpool turned back around and walked back into the library. Weasel was sitting exactly where he was when Deadpool stormed out earlier. "Hey buddy about that whole our friendship is over thing. I might have over reacted a bit."_

" _Only a little bit." Weasel was used to these kind of outbursts from Deadpool by now. "So do you want to come up with a real plan now?"_

 _"We can discuss that on the way to Seattle."_


	6. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Deadpool

_Once they had arrived in Seattle it didn't take long for them to find a Weasel a good computer. He managed to pinpoint Black Tiger's address within less than an hour. It was located a few miles outside the city, so they drove a there to check the place out. Deadpool was, to say the least, impressed by his new enemy's home. It was a mansion, a small mansion, but a mansion none the less._

" _I want one."_

" _Considering your spending habits you'll never get a place nicer than our apartment."_

" _What if I married a queen?"_

" _As doubtful as that is, yes you would be able to live in a nice place. It'd probably be even nicer than this place even."_

" _You don't think I've got game?"_

" _I didn't say that." Weasel opened up the laptop that Deadpool had, let's say, borrowed for him. "I can find the blueprints for this place. That should make things a little easier, but we still have no way of knowing what kind security she has."_

" _It's probably just an alarm. It should be easy to bypass."_

" _And if there's more security than that?"_

" _I do what I'm best at."_

" _How is talking going to help you?"_

" _I do what I'm second best at."_

" _Oh, you're going to improvise."_

" _Naturally."_

" _So are you going to do the smart thing and wait until you know Black Tiger isn't here, or are you going to do the dumb thing and barge in now?"_

" _Hmm I don't know. I'll flip a coin." The Kanuck searched his many pouches for a coin. After he meticulously searched each pouch individually he realized all of his change was thrown at the Green Lantern Stripper from chapter two. "For the first time on my life antagonizing a stripper has come back to haunt me. Curse you hindsight."_

" _What are you going to do now that you must choose on your own?" Weasel asked him in a mocking tone._

" _I'll just wait 'til nightfall then go in there. If Black Tiger is in there then I kill her and get a bonus, if I she isn't then getting the McGuffin will just be easier. It's a win-win situation."_

" _Maybe you should at least wait until I can find any information the three woman you think might be Black Tiger, so you can at least have some idea of what you're up against."_

" _How could doing that possibly help? Finding info on Black Tiger would be far more useful, especially since right now my focus is on the mission. I'll worry about her possible connection to my past later, so even if you can't find much about her by tonight I'm still going in for the McGuffin."_

" _I'll get started now then."_

 _Night fell and the Magnificent Kanuck prepared for what was more than likely going to be the most dangerous mission he had ever taken._

What about that one with the Hulk?

/Or any time we've had to fight one of the many X teams/

 _Okay so this probably wasn't even in our hero's list of top twenty most dangerous missions, but it was dangerous none the less. So dangerous that he couldn't allow his best to be involved in any more than he already was. The Kanuck refused to even allow Weasel to give him a comlink to tell alert him of anything else he may have found on their enemy. Our hero was truly alone in this endeavor._

 _The Magnificent Kanuck every so carefully approached the house where his enemy lie oblivious to his approach. He walked around to the back seeing a large pool. "How can she afford this when I can't?"_

/You keep blowing your money as soon as you get it/

" _Good point. I'm probably not going to stop though."_

It'd be kinda weird if you did.

 _Our hero approached the door pulling out his trusty lock pick (now with silencer) and shot the lock. He walked in, entering into the kitchen, and looked around. The kitchen looked like it was never used which was either a result of it actually never being used or whoever cleaned it was very good at it. Deadpool walked from the kitchen to the dining room, the walls were painted red and there were a few pictures of dead people hanging up._

Do you think those are her past victims?

/Probably./

" _That's both messed up and cool at the same time, but mostly messed up."_

 _Deadpool pulled out the blueprints Weasel printed out for him earlier. There were several possible locations for a safe to keep the diamond in, but the most likely place would be the closet in the master bedroom, so Deadpool made his way upstairs and over to the master bedroom. The door wasn't locked so he walked right in. The bed looked like someone just got out of it. "Uh oh."_

 _He heard someone jump down behind them felt a knife pressed to his throat. "You miss me so much you had to break into my house?"_

" _What can I say, I'm a sucker for reunions." Deadpool grabbed his pistol and shot the hand that was holding the knife. Black Tiger dropped the knife, and Deadpool moved away from her, turned around, and pulled out his other gun pointing them both at Black Tiger. "My lock pick had a silencer. How'd you know I was here?"_

" _What can I say,I have great hearing." She reached down picking her knife up while pulling another one out._

" _Don't you know you shouldn't bring knives to a gunfight?" Deadpool shot her to make his point, but she kicked him in the stomach right as he did causing him to miss._

" _You're using long range weapons in a close range fight. How does that make sense?"_

" _Make sense? I don't know the meaning of those words!"_

" _Good to know that hasn't changed about you." She threw one of her knives at his head but he managed to dodge it. Before he could make another move a knife was thrown at his shoulder. "Ha now you don't have any more knives." He put one of his guns away, so could pull the knife out._

" _This is my house. I have weapons hidden everywhere."_

" _Well obviously, but you don't have anything on you right now." He threw the knife he pulled out of his shoulder at her; she caught it then moved over to her bed. She pulled a several knives out from under her bed then threw them all at Deadpool pinning him to the opposite wall. "This is just like a dream I once had."_

" _Really now?"_

" _Yeah, I was in the jungle hunting a tiger then it caught me off guard and managed to pin to the ground, so I pulled my gun out and shot it in the face." Deadpool then pulled his gun out and shot Black Tiger in the face. Like anything else that gets shot in the face she dropped dead._

 _Deadpool pulled himself from the wall. "Now how to prove I killed her? Guess I just take a picture." He pulled out the Pool Phone™ to take a picture._

/Um didn't you shoot her in the hand earlier?/

" _Yes, why?"_

There's no wound.

" _That's not good. Okay I should have about five minutes before she heals, so I'll get the McGuffin then go before then." He quickly went into the closet and found the safe. He didn't have time to crack it the usual way, and his lock pick wouldn't work to open the safe. "I might be able to buy myself some more time if I unload a few more rounds into her head." He shot Black Tiger five more times in the head then began cracking the safe the old fashioned way. After a few minutes he managed to open the safe and grab the diamond._

 _He looked back at Black Tiger. "I think I actually have time to see who she really is." He knelt down by her body ready to remove her mask when she started moving a bit. "Or maybe I don't." He stood up then ran to the window breaking it and jumping out. He managed to get away without any problems._

" _She can heal and has exceptional hearing, there's a good chance she also has a very good sense of smell too. I don't know how to avoid her tracking me down, and I don't want to lead her to Weasel." Deadpool quickly texted Weasel to tell him he was leaving him here in Seattle. He was supposed to take the McGuffin to a warehouse in San Francisco, so he had to figure out how to get there quickly._

 _Stealing a car hadn't failed him yet, so he broke the window to the car nearest to him, hotwired it then drove off into the sunset._

/Sunrise./

 _That too._


	7. It Ends

_After a day's journey the Magnificent Kanuck arrived at his destination, San Francisco, the trolley capital of America. There were a lot of hills making driving a bit difficult, and the only parking he could find was parallel parking. He sucked at parallel parking. "So far I am not liking this city." He parked in the first available spot he found._

 _The meeting place was a warehouse a few blocks from there. "Wow this guy must really love his warehouses."_

Five bucks says this guy still doesn't actually show up in person.

/He does seem to love his secrets./

" _Dealing with secretive people is part of the job, though I do wonder if our employer is a robot."_

 _Our most brave and handsome_ /*cough* lies *cough*/ _hero found the destination he sought and entered his most mysterious employers building. There was nery a sign of life within, merely a table with a computer monitor and a camera. "Holy crap I was right about him being a robot."_

 _Words appeared on the monitor. "Do you have the diamond?"_

 _Deapool held the McGuffin up to the camera. "One weirdly shaped, but appropriately named diamond right here." He placed the McGuffin Diamond on the table. It soon moved into a compartment hidden inside the table then a briefcase came out of another compartment._

" _Feel free to count the money."_

" _I'm pretty sure it's all there." Deadpool pulled his phone out and pulled up the picture he took of Black Tiger after he had shot her in the head. He showed it to the camera. "Do I get my bonus now?"_

 _There was a long pause then another compartment opened up revealing another briefcase. "I hope we can do business again sometime."_

 _Deadpool took his bonus. "If you always pay this generously, then yes we should totes do this again sometime." He then left the warehouse a richer man. He was going to get all this in coins so he could dive into it like Scrooge McDuck._

 _Upon exiting the warehouse the Magnificent Kanuck was confronted by his old nemesis, and by old I mean he just met her a few days ago, and by nemesis I mean enemy that he may or may not have had a previous history with. "Are you going to try and kill me? Because, speaking from experience, killing me isn't exactly possible."_

" _You already hand over the McGuffin?" Black Tiger asked,_

" _I'm not carrying these briefcases as a fashion statement."_

" _Then there is little point in me attempting to do anything to you, however I suppose I could still fight you to take the money"_

" _Fine." He put the briefcases down. "If it's a fight you want then it's fight you'll get."_

" _I said I could fight you. I didn't say I would. You can keep the money. You won."_

" _I won? Was this just some competition to you?"_

" _Everything's a competition. Well that's not entirely true. This didn't become a competition until I found out you were hired for the same job. And even then not until I realised who you are."_

" _So when you said you were glad to see I was alive it was because of how much you like competing with me. Of course it all makes sense. Ever since we competed for Mark it's been nothing but competitions between us."_

" _What are you talking about? Wade, who do you think I am?"_

" _Victoria Merryweather, a cheerleader from my high school who was interested in the same guy as I was."_

 _Black Tiger did her best to hold back her laughter as best she could, which wasn't very well at all. "That's who you think I am? That's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard." She continued laughing no longer trying to hold it in._

" _Wait, wait, wait. If you're not Victoria then who are you?"_

 _After a few moments she stopped laughing. "Kira"_

 _Deadpool didn't know how to react to this news. He probably would if his memory wasn't so messed up. He only remembered a few things about Kira, and he wasn't even sure which of those memories were real and which ones were imagined. "I'm gonna be honest the only thing I really remember about you is that we were close. Is that true?"_

" _Yes, you were like the little brother I never wanted."_

" _That sounds about right. So now what?"  
_

" _We go our separate ways and never talk to each other again, or we can revive a friendship that's been dead for about fifty years."  
_

" _I don't think I can really go back home for awhile. Is it okay if I stay with you?"_

 _She shrugged. "I don't see why not."_

 _And they lived happily ever after the end._

/Wait, that's it?

You can't just end it like that

Yes I can. Everything's wrapped up, so there's no point in continuing.

What about that thing with Angela?

What thing with Angela?

/You know back in chapter 3

Oh yeah her son blames himself for her death, and I promised myself I would get him to stop. Oh well, guess that has to be saved for the sequel then.

The sequel that you don't even know you're going to get?

Yeah that one.


End file.
